Sexual Fantasies

Around 98% of folks have sexual fantasies.

Yep–you read that right!

If that number is leaving you scratching your head thinking you might fall into that 1-2%, it could be because you’re misinterpreting what a sexual fantasy is.

According to researcher Justin J. Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute, “A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake and ultimately turns you on.”

Yep – ANY mental picture, friends. Thinking of what your barista looks like naked? Sexual fantasy. Getting excited about having sex with your Tinder hookup for the first time? Sexual fantasy. Imagining being the center of a gang bang while you masturbate? Sexual fantasy. No role play necessary. No costumes or scripts required.

As kids, we pretended to be princesses or bakers. We relished in the delight of assuming different identities. We escaped into imaginary worlds where we lost track of time. Worlds where there was no winner or loser. Worlds where the journey was paramount, and we had no destination.

Sexual fantasies provide us with a way to harness that childlike wonder. To remember who we were before we had to worry about 401(k)s and scheduling pap smears. To remind us how to play.

And they’re super important. Don’t believe me? Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute also tells us couples who enact their fantasies show the highest rates of relationship satisfaction. The. Highest. Rates.

Sadly, his research tells us only 50% of folks will ever disclose their fantasies to their partner, though, because of shame, embarrassment, or fear over how their partner will respond.

So, how do you begin sharing your fantasies with a partner?

Each of you will (privately) write down your fantasy on a piece of paper, and then seal it in an envelope. You’ll then come together and–without talking about the fantasy itself–you’ll disclose how you’re feeling about sharing what’s in the envelope. This can look like:

“I’m super scared about how you’ll react to this. I’m worried you’ll think that our sex life isn’t good enough.”

From here, keep talking back and forth until both of you feel safe in sharing, and secure that you won’t be judged for what’s in the envelope. This conversation may last a while, and may not even conclude in one sitting. Take as long as you each need before you feel comfortable sharing your fantasies with one another. Only then will you swap envelopes.

Once you’ve shared your fantasy with your partner, be prepared to ask (and answer!) the following questions:

- What is it about this fantasy that turns you on?

- How soon do you want to do it?

- If I were to say no to this, would it be a deal breaker?

- Are there some ways we can ease into this fantasy, without going all the way the first go-round?

Remember: By making friends with your fantasies, you open up an entire world of exploration, play, AND higher relationship satisfaction. Enjoy!

Interested in some more tips and tricks when it comes to boosting your intimate life? Be sure to follow Rena on Instagram and pre-order her book The Sex You Want.